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In his unending quest to plagiarise every single thing that stands as good and decent about the internet, Datazoid proudly ventures toward Chefelf's very own Extinct Beverage Museum. Besides, Datazoid is on a different continent. Datazoid has access to beverages Chefelf does not. Datazoid also speaks often in the third person, it seems. Anyhow. Fanfare ahoy!
Jugular
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| Tagline: |
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| "Low carbs, no caffeine, no sugar." That's right, it's an energy drink without the two biggest energy providers. I'm alarmed already. |
| Manufacturer: |
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| Distributed by Sudden Impact Partners in the US, imported by Jugular Global Pacific, Australia. |
| Website: |
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| http://www.goforthejugular.com/ - Nice URL. Also a reasonably informative website. It also randomly includes mp3s from a band called "A Fallacy". Bonus points for it being the only energy drink website I've yet encountered that allows you to buy the drink via the site. Nice. Shame the drink is attrocious. |
| Magical Contents: |
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| Oh, God. How many do you want? This stuff contains every B-group vitamin, vitamin C, "adaptagenic herbs" which consist of eleutherococcus senticosus root, eleuthorococcus senticosus leaf, aralia manshurica, rhaptonium carthanoides, rhodiola rosea and schisandra), fruit and vegetable juice for colour, L-tyrosine, L-carnitine, trace minerals (rare earth blend), and to add further alarmingness, it apparently has "clustered water technology". Everyone repeat after me: "What the hell?"
Click here for information on these ingredients. |
| Medical Warnings: |
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| There're no medical warnings. |
| Volume: |
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| Can; 250ml. |
| Daily Dosage: |
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| No medical warnings, no daily dosage. Clearly you can chug this stuff until you explode. |
| Nutritional Info: |
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| There's no energy figure on the nutritional information chart, which makes this one difficult to categorise.
| Ingredient |
Graph for idiots
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Amount per 100ml |
| Energy |
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Unknown. |
| Carbohydrates |
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4.8g per 100ml, I think. |
| Sugars |
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4.8g per 100ml, I also think. |
| Chemicals |
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Amount per 100ml |
| Caffeine |
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0mg |
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It's red, and kinda milky. Also, kinda scary.
Okay, so this is weird.
Clearly this is the most alarming blend of ingredients yet encountered. I'm particularly alarmed by the "rare earth blend" of minerals, which makes me suspect the drink contains some kind of powderised powerful magnets, and the totally bizarre "clustered water technology". The can suggests shaking gently prior to opening, which leads me to believe it's probably got some kind of horrible sediment on the bottom that will require some mixing in.
Lets explore some ingredients.
Here's an awesome PDF about herbal ingredients and what they do. I've paraphrased the pertinent entries below:
Eleuthorococcus Senticosus root and leaf:
This is the botanical name for what we know as Siberian Ginseng, which, according to Wikipedia, cannot be called "Siberian Ginseng" in the US because it isn't the correct genus to be considered a kind of ginseng. Or something.
Aralia Manshurica:
It's Russian, and it protects mice from radiation. I shit you not.
Rhaponticum Carthanoides:
Animal research has apparently discovered it prevents tumours and enhances brain power. It also contains a lot of syllables.
Rhodiola Rosea:
Another Russian ingredient, this one supposedly enhances memory, enhances the immune system, and is used in treating depression, nervous palpitations, erectile dysfunction (!) and infertility in women (!). Also used for fatigue and insomnia (simultaneously? The mind boggles) and for altitude sickness. Clearly the all-round miracle cure we've been waiting for.
Schisandra:
Despite sounding like an antagonise from an Anne Rice novel, this stuff is also known as Wu Wei Zi berries, and is allegedly a solution to all manner of medical conditions, including Parkinson's disease, depression, adult ADHD and asthma (when mixed with licorice). I quote a wonderful line from the previously linked document, as I'm unable to paraphrase it in a more amusing fashion: "Traditionally, this herb is used to astringe a leaky jing gate (urinary incontinence, leucorrhea, diarrhea,
and spermatorrhea) and to reduce excessive sweating." Leaky jing gate. My phrase of the month.
Clustered Water Technology:
Here's the official website for Clustered Water Technology(R), which contains approximately no information whatsoever on what the hell it is. This website contains some more information, and lots more animated .gifs and background images, which exist solely to make the internet awesome. In short, clustered water is a form of hydrogenated water with molecules that group together and become able to traverse between cell walls, decreasing dehydration. Apparently the water is treated with electromagnetic energy and becomes clustered water. As much as I love the taste of heavy water, I think I'll stick to the tap, myself.
To the eye:
It's pinkish, greyish red. And it's as flat as a tack; it fizzed ferociously when opened, possibly due to the gentle shaking, then it settled to a totally still red beverage. It's also not transparent, it's vaguely milky. You cannot see through a glass of Jugular.
Mm, flat and reddish.
To the nose:
It smells absolutely vile. I can draw a comparison with cherry-flavoured medication, but it's not accurate enough. It smells like horribly, horribly bad cherry-flavoured candy, with a hint of aniseed and ridiculous quantities of vitamin-B.
To the mouth:
Strangely, it's not as offensive as I would have thought. That's not to say it's pleasant, however. It tastes like cherry-flavoured candy that's been boiled into a liquid and left to ferment in the company of vitamin-B. It's actually quite sweet, but it becomes quickly apparent that the sweetness is a result of artificial sweetening, as it speedily takes on the soapy aftertaste of phenylalanine (or something similar, as said chemical is not listed in the product's ingredients). It becomes slightly more carbonated upon reaching your mouth, so it's not entirely flat as I'd original predicted.
I'm unsure of what taste to expect from "clustered water", as I can taste neither clusters, nor water. This would actually taste alright if it had sugar in it, I think. It suffers from artificial sweetening, and it feels wrong to drink once you've read the ingredients.
I'm not able to finish a can of this.
And a little while after:
Absolutely no flavour remains after you've sipped, but it does reek horribly of artificial sweetener, leaving you to feel like you've just sucked on a bar of soap for a while.
Overall:
Totally dubious ingredients. Totally horrendous can artwork. Reasonably unpleasant taste. Overall, it's not unpleasant, but I find it difficult to enjoy a drink that contains sweepings from the underbrush of a rainforest and whatever the hell clustered water may be.
One word summary*:
Odd.
* Like I said, plagiarising everything.
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