Not very frequently asked questions

Here are some questions that approximately no-one has ever asked. Hey, if you've got a question, maybe I have an answer. Ask, if you like. Or don't. Your call. I'm not pushy.

What's the point of this website?

Good question! I'll let you know when I have an answer. Don't wait around, it could take a while. (Over a decade and counting, now.)

If you really want an answer, colonpipe.com is my personal journal of opinions and articles, interspersed with a portfolio of semi-serious art photography and various cool projects I've been a part of, or taken on.

What the heck is "colonpipe?" It sounds rude.

It's not. Really. The colon and the pipe are punctuation marks, which combine to form an emoticon that illustrates disinterest, apathy, sarcasm and stoicism. The colonpipe, :|, is a useful and versatile part of the internet vernacular.

There are a few other things named "colonpipe". Are they related to you?

Things colonpipe.com is not affiliated with:

  • Colon Pipe Krew, a chip music band from the USA. If you search for them on YouTube, you'll find a blurry video of someone hurling obscenities. I'm not sure what this says about the band. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if it is the band. Or, if, y'know, they're actually a band. Yeah.
  • colonpipe.org, a website currently containing a textual colonpipe and the theme music from Star Trek: Enterprise. It's so non sequitur, it's almost sequitur again.
  • UrbanDictionary's definition of colonpipe, both tuneful AND uncomfortable.
  • colonpipe.blogspot.com is also not me, but is a dude called Ryan who hasn't updated his blog in geological time.
  • Mangotree Orchard by Virtus:| (or :|Virtus) features the line "Come on down its the place to be/We'll turn your colon pipe into a colon D", which is awesome and adorable at the same time. Plus, as an added bonus, their Bandcamp URL is colonpipe.bandcamp.com -- not affiliated with me, but cool regardless. (And also assuring I can't pollute Bandcamp with my own musical tootlings -- at least under that username. Bugger.)
  • colonpipe.com is not in any way affiliated with the actual colon -- that is, the one you're currently sitting on. The one that's digesting your lunch. The one that's 1.5 meters long and is prone to cancer. The one that you can stick coffee up. (I've read that site half a dozen times now, and I can't for the life of me determine if it's meant to be serious. The internet scares me. It scares me deeply, and often.)
  • colonpipe.com is also not affiliated with the punctuation mark, ":", which has no bearing on colonpipery unless it's appropriately united with its absent brother, the pipe. Sorry, a colon is just a colon. Pipe required. Apply within.

On a related note, if you're one of the people I've mentioned above, or you're doing something that involves the colonpipe, or something similar to the colonpipe, or something that looks like a colonpipe, let me know and I'll promote you shamelessly in a mocking fashion, as above. It's all in good fun. No harm intended. No holds barred. No refunds. No exchanges. No entry. No way.

Who are you, anyway?

twitprof

Hi. I'm a human being from Australia.

I've been polluting the internet with my thoughts and opinions for the past decade, mostly in the form of bizarre go-nowhere projects and badly worded movie reviews.

Occasionally I take photos, sometimes I design things. I want to be a filmmaker and am working lethargically toward this goal.

I have some capacity to make music, which I begrudgingly force upon the world at the rate of about four Soundcloud listens per annum.

I have a YouTube channel called IDU: I Don't Understand, on which I fail to understand a thing, then learn about it and explain it to you as best I can.

What happened to all of the original content of colonpipe.com?

Some of it's still here. Anything on this site dated 2005 or earlier can be considered as part of the "original" colonpipe. I still have a few articles to back-date and post back up again, but you'll have to be patient. Otherwise, most of it has gone bye-bye. Why? Bunch of reasons.

  • Most of it was shit. This is a pretty big reason, actually. I'm a harsh critic of myself, and the bellcurve doesn't favour anything I made, wrote or contributed to more than five years ago. Sorry, past self. You sucked.
  • Technical difficulties. The internet is fickle, and it was even fickler a decade ago.
  • Copyright is a bitch.
  • Personal choice. (Related to "most of it was shit".)
  • Times change, people move on. Some things I did ten years ago embarrass me, now. Some don't.
  • Most of it was shit. Sorry. Just trying to hammer that one home.

Where did Rafters go?

It went bye-bye. See above.

Background, for those who care -- paragraph of drivel for those who don't: Rafters was a forum set up for the Science Fiction & Fantasy community from Yahoo! Chat. Yahoo! Chat, the chatroom, and the community have largely dissipated. The data (i.e. content) of the old forum is still preserved, but the forum is closed and not publicly accessible. It's closed because it's a bear to maintain a forum when nobody visits it. And nobody would visit it because social networking has moved the internet away from community forums and into a new world where everything revolves around Facebook and Twitter. If you're a member of the old Y! Chat community and you're looking to hook up (metaphorically speaking) with the rest of the old community, there are at least two reunion "groups" or "pages" or whatnot that I'm aware of on Facebook, I'm sure you can hunt them down.

Is there any old content that you're sorry to see go?

colonpipe.com had its moments. A few that I can recall:

  • The Dominos Pizza Conspiracy
  • The Colonpipes procedurally generated comic was kinda cool
  • Sting and Glenn, Jeffy's Phorum, and various cats before the internet realised cats were funny. Oh, yeah. I'm going there. We had cats all over.
  • Nightdress Gunderson, Private Detective, refer image at right.

The Jelly Bean Generator was also once a thing, and now isn't a thing anymore. It was a randomly generated image/text combination that would give you a colourful jelly bean with an (often horrific) flavour attached. Harry Potter? What's that?

Pretty much all of these other things are lost to the ether, though. Sorry. The internet's a fleeting thing -- unless you know how to search properly. In that case, it's like carving things into stone. Seriously. Don't post crap on the internet that you wouldn't want preserved for all eternity. There's a lesson, here. Read between the lines, or something. We've all been there; some of us have learned from it.

Is there any way I can still see the original website?

Oh, lordy. Not if I had a choice. You could, probably, go to archive.org and type "colonpipe.com" into the Wayback Machine's search box. I mean, that could work. You'd be foolish to try, though. Foolish, and disappointed. Mostly disappointed. You've been warned. (Most of it was shit. And all the best parts seem to have vanished. It's kind of like how no-one remembers all the cool things you did in school, but you can be guaranteed everyone will remember the time you peed yourself on the school bus. That's an example, by the by. I didn't pee myself on the school bus. Not in this quantum reality, anyway.)