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There was a computer geek who wanted to run a great site. His site got hacked and he had to start from scratch. After much work and dedication his site progressed. Once it was done he swore...
..he would spend more time with his wife doing honey-doo's around the house for her and their upcoming child. He felt burried in..
..his responsibilities and one rainy night decided to head out to the local brewpub for a few cool ones. Calling up his buddies they agreed to meet at . . .
... Glenn Bresnahan's doorstep, then proceed by means of lemur-drawn float to the appropriate locale of beverage acquisition. Alas, the flat pickled cap of fate did act, leaving them stranded on The Beard's patio with not but a penny between them. Then, from the sky, fell a...
... Magic Rock. It looked like an ordinary rock in every way. After a small argument about the obviously magical properties of this rock, Glenn wanted to throw it away. It wasn't untill someone said "this rock must be magic, becuase is smells like..."
"... Glenn's beard." "We best leave it alone," replied Glenn. "My beard - or something smelling like it - isn't anything we have the power to reckon with. Let's dispose of it and resume our planned jaunt to the local house of brew." The group agreed, only to be stopped by a small man, wearing nothing but a....
..fish called Steve, strategically placed. "Heavens to betsy!" He exclaimed. "I haven't been this aroused since my visit to SeaWorld!", at which point the IDSA jumped on board, claiming copyright intervention on a 1982 copy of "Big Invaders from Some Other Planet." Glenn was furious. "No! This cannot be!" He said. "I've never seen one that....
... doesn't have a nasal cavity!" The group were shocked. The ISDA were furious. Glenn was embarrassed. The small man smelled bad. Steve smelled worse. The Beard had competition. "I didn't do it! It was the one armed man!" exclaimed one of Glenn's wardens. Glenn shrugged, "I don't know what to say to that, usually it hurts more when I...
..tug hard on the dangly parts!". "Gosh" said Steve. "That must be fun." And with that, tugged on Glenn's dangly parts. "Ow!" said Glenn. "That really...
... made me think of the time I dropped the engine block from a '77 Chevy on my occupied Speedos." Steve continued to smell. The beard continued to smell. A silent war waged between them. The odour was overpowering. The group began to swat at Glenn and Steve with kitchen utensils, when suddenly Walter Matthau appeared, holding a...
...picture of Sting naked. "Ye Gods!" said the beard, and promptly passed out.
"That's tiny!" said a happy passer-by. "The only time I ever saw one that small was the time when..
... I experimented with Liquid Nitrogen on a gnat. And believe me! That was an experience. Have you ever tried to hold a gnat by the..." Glenn coughed. Steve started to decay. Sting remained infinitesimal. "He's right." Glenn conceded. "There's things they can do to correct that kind of deformity, such as...."
"..being attacked by a swarm of angry bees!" Glenn sighed dramatically. "Sorry. I'm getting way ahead of myself here." The beard jumped excitedly. They'd found the Magic Sword of Ishma Floik. It shone with a brilliance like no other! "My God!" said Dave. "It's full of stars!" At which point Stanley Kubrick, angry with the copyright infringment, leap up from the underworld and said...
... "@!#$. Off." Charlton Heston threw a bone in the air, which turned into a space station and crashed into the Kremlin. The beard quivered. Steve became a flatuitous decomposed mass. The happy passer by grabbed the Magic Sword of Ishma Floik and swung it at the beard, which...
..fell off. "No!" exclaimed Glenn, his source of power diminished into a heap on the floor. He clutched his baby-soft face, and cried big girly tears. "Get over it" said Kubrick. "I did, after I made Eyes Wide Shut. In fact, I got so over it, I ended up dead!" So Glenn got over it, suffered a bi-pulminary lapse, and dropped dead. "Yoinks!" said Steve. "That was like the time when...."
"... Sting tried to sing 'Every Breath You Take' while he still had both his tesicles!" Glenn's body quivered. Kubrick picked up the beard, then dropped it again. The passer by stomped on it. Steve shrugged and kicked Glenn's body into the gutter, leaving the beard on the sidewalk. Steve thought for a second, looked into the gutter, and said "What we need is a ...."
..Reverse Dwarf! It's the only thing to help us now!" "Why?" said Dave. "We want to get down the pub and get wasted. Not end up on an interplanetary mission to save humanity." At which point they got thrown through a wormhole in space/time, defeated the evil Emperor Sumner and his plot to make everyone have minute genitalia, then ended up outside the Bishop's Wrath public house. "Bargin!" said Steve. "Let's get drunk! Then we can..."
"... pretend none of this ever happened, just like we do every other time we get tankered!!" Steve looked worried. "What are we gonna do with Glenn's corpse? He's gonna start to stink a bit if we leave him there..." Kubrick thought for a second. "I know, how about we get some Vaseline and a life-sized blowup doll of Angela Lansbury and shove Glenn in a ...."
..home made production of "Murder, She Wrote"?". Just then.. "Pah! Murder, She Wrote is for sissies!" Everyone gasped, including Glenn. Which is a hell of a feat for a corpse. "Dick Van Dyke!" "The one and only!" But then... "Chim-Chimerny this, you phoney!" "Gasp! (Excluding Glenn. The previous effort took too much out of him.) It's.." "Yes! Ironside!" It was the match of the century. Ironside vs Dick Van Dyke vs an Inflatable Angela Lansbury. The announcer came on, and said in a grand voice...
... "@!#$. Off."Dick grabbed inflato-Angela by the ankles and began swinging her around his head, much of the audience being impaled by various pieces of shrapnel and denture particles flying hitherto unknown from Angela's deflatably wrinkled skin. Glenn and the group took a step back, dodging random geriatrices flying from the pneumatic supersleuth. Dick took a deep breath and released Angela's ankles, causing her to...
..write a new novel, under the pseudonym "Maurice Picklewit." It won many awards, most notably the 1994 Limmington Literary Award for being written 11 years in the future. Glenn meanwhile, having somehow returned from the dead, proceeded to...
... spraypaint large and colourful advertisments for his newly developed shaving system onto nearby trees. The procedure involved using the hind-quarters of a domesticated moose to loosen the...
....tension of the group, so they could shave safely, and in comfort. The morning after, Glenn awoke, having slept with Steve the Decayed Fish, and got off to a rousing start with a ham sandwich. Only then did he notice the Yorkshireman standing outside, who shouted ...
... "GET YOUR LAWNMOWERS OFF OUR LAWNS," then began placing pencils point-down into said lawn, in arrangement of colour and sharpness. Glenn threw the ham sandwich at the Yorkshireman. The moose belched. The aroma of Steve permeated the stratosphere. Failing to consider the consequences, Glenn grabbed a small rodent, and...
..shaved..again. The now foamy, bristle-covered rodent lodged a complaint with...
... Channel Two, who immediately ceased filming. Angry, Glenn pelted the rodent at the wall, causing it to stick due to the excess bristles and foam. "You people!!! Why, you should be encouraged to.."
..Linedance!" At which point Glenn broke out into a country and western song. So everyone simultaneously shot him. Glenn, being dead for the second time in as many hours, said...
... "Well, do ya? Punk?" and breathed a sigh of great pungence. Everyone else sighed in unison, albeit with less olfactory offense. Had Glenn finally died? Was The Beard forever gone? No. He and It had merely ....
..died. Oh..wait... ...lived. Due a reverse flaw in the laws of physics, Glenn performed his linedance to an audience of 70,000 canadians. Rhys was there. He said...
... "Mummy, is that what pubic hair looks like?" Steve backed away, and hissed some kind of ambniotic fish fluid at Rhys. Mentally stimulated by the linedance, Stanley Kubrick began work on his next hit, "Legs Wide Shut", with the byline...
"..How to fill an American Quilt." But it didn't work out, so Stanley returned to the grave. Rhys was exuberant. He was even quoted to have said...
... "I have a sensation in my pants!!! No. Wait. That wasn't my pants." Rhys blushed and thought happy thoughts. Glenn dressed himself in a dolphin and began rehearsals for the second part of his linedance. The crowd grew impatient, and started...
..making plans for a Director's Cut version of Armageddon. The President was anxious. "There's an asteroid coming!" Bruce Willis entered, wearing an oiled vest. "Yippie Ki Yay @!#$!" The asteroid exploded in space. The end. Unfortuantly, due to the film being 2.9 seconds long, no one saw it. Or read about it. Except for here, which some unfortunate being did, who promptly...
... imploded, causing a rupture in the fabric of the universe. Disappointed at the fabric being a kind of tartan, Billy Connolly lunged forth from the back row of the audience toting a far of pickled ocelots. Bruce Willis learned to act. Sting grew genitalia. Glenn's beard assumed normal proportions, and became sanitary. Something was wrong with the universe. Suddenly an ocelot broke free from the jar of pickling fluids, and...
..started shouting. "Someone left this hat in my pickle jar! It's all flat now!" The ocelot threw the flat pickled cap away, and went back into the jar. Glenn put the cap on, and smiled a smile that could...
... cause apes to procreate, if used unwisely. Many miles away, something crawled from the slime of a dark Scottish loch. Billy Connolly apologized, and took his pickled ocelot to the shower. Sting apologized, and swore on the existance of his penis that Synchronicity II would never be sung again. Everyone was happy, except for Steve, who had bad indigestion because...
..he was dead. Glenn smiled the smile, and a chimp decided to get it on with Rhys, resulting in the most hideous abomination mankind has ever seen. Rhys in orgasm. Soon afterwards, Rhys gave birth to a...
... ferret. The ferret cried, and bit into Rhys's left nipple. The group covered their faces in horror, but Rhys seemed to enjoy it. Turning his attention to more pressing issues, Glenn pushed Rhys and his ferret away and began much effort into his plans for world domination via microbes in toilet disinfectant. Despite his disagreement in the design of Glenn's plan, Steve - who was now dead for the fourth time - began work developing a weapon to conquer the world, a giant replica of....
Sting's penis. Increasing the size to 1:10^70, Glenn weilded the 3ft weapon with joy, his face remeniscent of...
... a schoolboy, having discovered what you should not shove into the business end of a pencil sharpener. Steve began working on a strategy to get the penis replica out into the world... Glenn thought it best to drill small holes in the walls of people's homes and insert the device randomly, but Steve decided instead to...
..recreate the battle of Hastings with trained monkeys. They were difficult to control at first. but after Glenn smiled his smile, and Rhys opened his legs, the monkeys were literally dead. After that, Rhys decided he would...
... take up Sharon Stone's role in a 2001 remake of Basically Itstinks. Suddenly Sting's macropenis started to hum, and....
..brought out a cover version of "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" Sting's cock shot to worldwide fame. It even featured on....
... Good Morning Kazakhstan, where it's version of "Candle In The Wind" caught the attention of Elton John, who commented, "Even though it only has a rudimentary mouth and no lung structure, it has a soothing voice. I only wish my floppy was so talented." Sting's penis began a world tour, starting in Rejkavic, where a group of militant Icelandic rabbis...
...broke out of prison and went on a mad spree around Sainsburys.
Sting's penis was jealous, and broke free from Sting, running off on its own 'lil quest to seek out and find a hole small enough to stick itself in. It found success when...
... Rhys' silver screen debut aired in Cannes. Sting's penis paused in the projector room and waited for the appropriate moment, lunging at the movie screen as Rhys' character...
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