Here are some really quick movie reviews. No fuss, no effort, no extra reading on your part. These are my opinions. You should probably get your own. Some of them have a link to a bigger review or article. As a general guide: reallygood movies, good movies,mediocre movies, bad movies.
The Adjustment Bureau
An interesting concept that blends the best parts of The Matrix, Inception, Fringe and Supernatural with an inexplicable dose of Monsters, Inc. I like the message, and I particularly like that it doesn't slap you in the face with it.
Score: 76 hats
Cold Creek Manor
An inconsistent, confusing and incredibly ordinary psychological thriller/horror film that accomplishes nothing, leaves the viewer unfulfilled and has so many plot holes and moments of stupidity it's painful to watch.
Score: 32 girls from Twilight
My absolute favourite movie that should never have existed. The story is so bad. The science is so wrong. The plot is so ridiculous. The solution is so implausible. Somehow, the actors, screenwriters and director have successfully collaborated to create something astonishingly fun, spectacularly tongue-in-cheek and overwhelmingly awesome. Full(ish) review here.
Score: 91 CG trout
An awkward, plotless movie based on an awesome, plotless game. The Rock does a decent job of "portraying" the pixellated hero, while some odd casting choices like Dexter Fletcher as Pinky leave one wondering.
Score: 39 BFGs
Enemy at the Gates
A reasonable, if unoriginal sniper film that suffers from the same clichéd problems as do most war films. Some additional words here, largely about the choices made dealing with foreign languages, and the rest of the unoriginality.
Score: 68 rifles
Cited as the "best Star Trek movie never made", this is a high concept science fiction comedy. The casting is perfect, with Tim Allen as William Shatner and Alan Rickman as Leonard Nimoy, and no detail is missed in poking fun at all of the minutiae of the various Star Trek series.
Score: 90 rudimentary lathes
A relatively original idea superseded only by Star Trek: TNG's episode "Cause and Effect", and since knocked-off by every science fiction show ever (although notably The X-Files and Supernatural). Tom Hanks was originally considered, but Bill Murray was chosen for his ability to remain loveable whilst maliciously cranky.
Score: 91 blizzards
He Died with a Felafel in his Hand
Based on the book by John Birmingham, I adore the way the culture of the various cities of Australia have been represented. Awesome film.
Score: 89 cane toads
This was the first movie I saw in a cinema, when I was ten years old. Ever since I saw this movie, I knew I either wanted to make films, or resurrect dinosaurs. The latter seems unrealistic, so I guess I fixated on the first one. Also, velociraptors.
Score: 95 butterfingers
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
The production values match the first film, although the story and suspense don't. Also, inexplicable appearance of the T-Rex on the mainland simply because they wanted to have the T-Rex on the mainland.
Score: 74 gymnasts
Jurassic Park III
What we have here is a movie that should never have been made. The story is atrocious, the concepts involved in it are laughable, and the overall production quality is so poor it could pass for a Roger Corman movie.
Score: 29 ocarinas
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
The only reason this career-endingly bad film didn't actually end any careers is that all of the actors are so well known that they've got so many movie experience points that this hunk of crud didn't even put a dent in their credibility. The movie itself, though, gained nothing from any of them, and is, as it stands, a total stinker. More words here.
Score: 38 impossible vehicles
The Lone Ranger
An enjoyable, but dischordant film that's not entirely sure what it is or what it's doing. Depp's character is largely identical to his other quirky painted faces, and completely overshadows the remaining b-list cast. Not the worst movie ever, but not the best, either. More in-depth review here.
Score: 68 duck feet
A terrible Roger Corman film about a man-made mutant shark/octopus hybrid that terrorises a bunch of poorly cast bikini-clad "women", while being pursued by a band of unenthusiastic experts and a news crew from Mexico. You can read my review here!
Score: 25 bikinis
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Also known as "Star Trek: The Motionless Picture", or "Star Trek: The Screen Saver" by people who think they have a sense of humour, this is quite a dull film with a plot designed for a single television episode stretched thinly across it. It's very pretty, though.
Score: 65 carbon units
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Ricardo Montalban returns to re-claim his bit part fame from the Star Trek: The Original Series episode "Space Seed". Much scenery chewing ensues, in a tour de force of over the top hamwork between Shatner's Kirk and Montalban's Khan. Easily the best Star Trek film, and largely the inspiration for Star Trek Into Darkness some thirty years later.
Score: 91 seti eels
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
A weak installment that acts more as an epilogue to The Wrath of Khan and a prologue to The Voyage Home than a real movie in its own right. Spock died in STII, and he's alive in STIV. Guess what happens in STIII?
Score: 72 katras
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
A time travel story that brings the Star Trek crew into our own backyard -- or at least our backyard 30 years ago. Leonard Nimoy's direction leads to an awesomely funny movie that leaps out of the Trek stereotype on more than one occasion, and even gives a strong environmental message without slapping us in the face.
Score: 89 double dumbasses
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
DON'T LET WILLIAM SHATNER DIRECT MOVIES
Score: 43 row your boats
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
An extremely political film dealing with the intricacies of Klingon government and an allusion to the fall of the Soviet empire. It's better than it sounds. David Warner does an awesome job as Chancellor Gorkon, and the ageing Trek crew place the future of the universe into the hands of the next generation, pun heartily intended.
Score: 87 praxises
Star Trek Generations
This remarkably dismal film takes (some of) the crew from the Original Series of Star Trek and mashes them ineffectually against (one of) the crew from Star Trek: The Next Generation in a time travel story so poor I don't know if there was actually time travel. Malcolm McDowell saves the day with his portrayal of Dr. Tolian Soran, a man driven mad wanting to get back to his happy place.
Score: 72 Mr. Tricorders
Star Trek First Contact
The Borg finally remember where Earth is, and attack. Picard races to save the day against Starfleet's orders. The Borg then invade the past to screw up the future. James Cromwell and Alfre Woodard are awesome as unwilling heroes, and the Doctor from Star Trek Voyager makes a cameo appearance as a door stop.
Score: 90 little ships
Star Trek Insurrection
An incoherent story about saving the environment, the Prime Directive, growing old, androids going crazy, tiny CG gophers and boobs. F Murray Abraham appears under a ton of stretched rubber. I think the entire point of this film was to get Riker and Troi back together so they could be inexplicably married in the next film.
Score: 69 gortches
Star Trek Nemesis
You'd never know the man that directed this had never seen an episode of Star Trek in his life, nor that he knew not a jot about it. At least, you wouldn't know if this movie wasn't complete crap. It's a bad action film with a thin plot, bad character decisions and development and numerous scenes that should not ever have existed within a canon Star Trek installment.
Score: 35 jeeps
An awesome reimagining of a franchise. Every box is ticked to ensure this appeals to the right audience without offending the fans. Some things might not make canon sense, but it's a reboot, and you can't recreate something from 40 years ago verbatim. I'm glad J. J. Abrams took the licenses he did. This makes me happy.
Score: 92 black holes
Star Trek Into Darkness
Abrams has certainly made an effort to cram as much as possible into this reboot sequel, and I enjoyed it. Yeah, there are a few things that don't make sense. Yeah, there are inconsistencies. Yeah, there are plot holes. But it's fun, and fun is why you pay sixteen bucks to see a movie. You can read my thoughts in more detail here.
Score: 90 torpedoes
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
I'm a huge fan of the unadulterated original version, the one without additional dinosaurs and ludicrous who-shot-first bollocks. It wasn't broken, STOP FIXING IT
Score: 93 lightsabres
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Universally accepted as the best sequel ever, and I tend not to disagree. Perfect pacing, outstanding action and drama, and a world-class reveal and cliffhanger ending. What more do you want?
Score: 96 tauntauns
Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
It's not as good as Empire, but it's still better than the abortions to follow. The space battles are among the best ever committed to celluloid, with hundreds of fighting ships on screen at any given moment. Again, I'm a fan of the original film before it got Georged, and I cry inside every time I hear the Victory Celebration instead of Jub Jub.
Score: 92 sarlaacs
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
I remember being really excited by the trailers when this was coming soon. I wish I hadn't been. It was a waste of energy. It's dull, political, and nonsensical, and it features Jar Jar Binks. If you haven't watched Mr. Plinkett's review of The Phantom Menace, you probably should. It's as long as the film, and far, far better.
Score: 45 yippees
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
This is a very bad movie. I suspect as its plot was essentially dictated by "it fills the gap between The Phantom Menace and the next movie", no effort was made at all to write it properly. Mr. Plinkett's done this one, too.
Score: 46 cloned kiwis
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
This is supposedly "better" than the first two, but it's still dismal, and it's not Star Wars. The story is pathetic, the action is laughable, the drama and emotion are nonexistant. Mr. Plinkett's destroyed it as well. Go watch his reviews. They'll keep you busy for a few hours.
Score: 52 vaders
An anomaly among movies. This would have been a fairly average sci-fi action movie, but it's been retconned into decency by its awesome sequel, which even takes subtle cues from this film (like the toy black truck the T-800 crushes early in the film) and turns them into series trademarks. Some of the effects suffer with age, but you take what you can get in 1984.
Score: 89 waitressess
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
This is a really important movie from my childhood, and without a doubt the best action movie ever made. Plot holes? Who cares. Time travel paradoxes? Who cares! Bad acting from Arnie? Who cares!
Score: 97 T-1000s
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
This movie is just bad. The story is unneeded and contradictory to the first two films, the casting is questionable, the return of the now ageing Schwarzenegger to reprise an ageless role, the atrocious one-liners, the pathetic attempt to recreate the beats of the previous two films. Stop ruining my childhood!
Score: 44 cranes