Exotic beverage: Go Fast

"Not recommended for children; and pregnant or lactating women or caffeine sensitive persons." Warning that's noticably absent is the one stating "Do not drink if your tastes buds work, because you may wish they did not".

"Maximum recommended intake: 1 can per day." Good luck with that. A teaspoon of this stuff should do the trick. You'll have all the energy in the world, and you'll be putting it to good use getting yourself the hell away from the can.

It's slightly darker than beer, and not very fizzy. It's also kind of thick, I think. It seems thick, anyway.

It smells like that horrid mix of really cheap, slightly melted candy you always wind up with just after Christmas. A combination of all the sweets no one ever chooses first, the ones that wind up rotting away at the bottom of the Christmas stocking, eventually finding their own way out of their wrappings and mating with other sweeties to produce horrific, Godzilla-like sweetie creatures. This drink smells like a Godzilla-sweetie.

OH SWEET JESUS CHRIST

It's horrible.

I mean, just.. It's indescribable.

However, I'm going to give it a shot.

The only flavour other than "GENGKnrwjlgbuigYFYTneCRYHJ!#798" that I can discern is that medicinal flavour that kind of tastes like plastic smells when it's been left in the sun until it's gone brittle and powdery. The rest of the drink (and I use the word "drink" with some hesitance) tastes entirely of rotting lawn clippings.

I propose a recipe:

2kg rotting lawn clippings 1L home brand cough medicine 500mL motor oil Sprinkling of powdered, aged plastic Carbonated water to taste

Yum!

This stuff is rancid.

The only good thing I can find about this shit is that the flavour leaves you pretty quickly. Possibly because it's speedily replaced by the flavour of your stomach contents.

Exotic beverage review: Live Wire

This review is a bit awkward. Actually, it's a lot awkward. I've dug up the text of the review from a file on my hard drive. Unfortunately, I can't find any pictures to go with it apart from the crappy camera phone paparazzi shot you see to the right. I'm sorry. On the up side, it's a clone of Red Bull, so the review was bound to be boring anyway.

It's stock-standard energy drink yellow. Perhaps a little more saturated. It's remarkably carbonated, though. Most energy drinks don't retain their carbonation very long, once the can is opened.

It smells pretty much exactly like Red Bull, and it tastes like a super-tart version of Red Bull. It's Red Bull with the flavour of (more) noxious chemicals. It's quite potent, but not entirely unpleasant.

It's quite fragrant, but leaves your mouth feeling exceptionally oily. It's not exactly nice.

Overall, it's an incredibly overpowering version of Red Bull. All things considered, it's not bad. It certainly tastes as though it's giving you energy. If any energy drink is going to give you uncontrollable tremors and destroy your internal organs, it'll probably be this one.

Worst energy drink ever: Jugular

Clearly this is the most alarming blend of ingredients yet encountered. I'm particularly alarmed by the "rare earth blend" of minerals, which makes me suspect the drink contains some kind of powderised powerful magnets, and the totally bizarre "clustered water technology". The can suggests shaking gently prior to opening, which leads me to believe it's probably got some kind of horrible sediment on the bottom that will require some mixing in. Here are some of the awesome ingredients in this crap:

Eleuthorococcus Senticosus root and leaf: This is the botanical name for what we know as Siberian Ginseng, which, according to Wikipedia, cannot be called "Siberian Ginseng" in the US because it isn't the correct genus to be considered a kind of ginseng. Or something.

Aralia Manshurica: It's Russian, and it protects mice from radiation. I shit you not.

Rhaponticum Carthanoides: Animal research has apparently discovered it prevents tumours and enhances brain power. It also contains a lot of syllables.

Rhodiola Rosea: Another Russian ingredient, this one supposedly enhances memory, enhances the immune system, and is used in treating depression, nervous palpitations, erectile dysfunction and infertility in women. Also used for fatigue and insomnia (simultaneously?) as well as altitude sickness.

Schisandra: Despite sounding like an antagonist from an Anne Rice novel, this stuff is also known as Wu Wei Zi berries, and is allegedly a solution to all manner of medical conditions, including Parkinson's disease, depression, adult ADHD and asthma (when mixed with licorice). I quote a wonderful line from the previously linked document, as I'm unable to paraphrase it in a more amusing fashion: "Traditionally, this herb is used to astringe a leaky jing gate (urinary incontinence, leucorrhea, diarrhea, and spermatorrhea) and to reduce excessive sweating." Leaky. Jing. Gate. Wow.

Clustered Water Technology: The official website for Clustered Water Technology(R) appears to have gone the way of the dodo since this review was written, which is unfortunate, as it contained approximately no information whatsoever on what the hell Clustered Water Technology(R) is. This website (which may or may not still exist, but certainly doesn't want to load) contains some more information, and lots more animated .gifs and background images, which exist solely to make the internet awesome. In short, clustered water is a form of hydrogenated water with molecules that group together and become able to traverse between cell walls, decreasing dehydration. Apparently the water is treated with electromagnetic energy and becomes clustered water. I think they created a similar substance in the depths of Chernobyl.

It's pinkish, greyish red. And it's as flat as a tack; it fizzed ferociously when opened, possibly due to the gentle shaking the can insisted upon, then it settled to a totally still red beverage. It's also not transparent, it's vaguely -- and disturbingly -- milky. You cannot see through a glass of Jugular.

It smells absolutely vile. I can draw a comparison with cherry-flavoured medication, but it's not accurate enough. It smells like horribly, horribly bad cherry-flavoured candy, with a hint of aniseed and ridiculous quantities of vitamin-B.

Strangely, it's not as offensive as I would have thought. That's not to say it's pleasant, however. It tastes like cherry-flavoured candy that's been boiled into a liquid and left to ferment in the company of vitamin-B. It's actually quite sweet, but it becomes quickly apparent that the sweetness is a result of artificial sweetening, as it speedily takes on the soapy aftertaste of phenylalanine (or something similar, as said chemical is not listed in the product's ingredients). It becomes slightly more carbonated upon reaching your mouth, so perhaps it's not entirely flat as I'd originally thought. It's n enigma wrapped up in a mystery wrapped up in a can of ghastly, ghastly liquid.

I'm unsure of what taste to expect from "clustered water", as I can taste neither clusters, nor water. This would actually taste alright if it had sugar in it, I think. It suffers from artificial sweetening, and it feels wrong to drink once you've read the ingredients. I'm not able to finish a can of this.

Absolutely no flavour remains after you've sipped, but it does reek horribly of artificial sweetener, leaving you to feel like you've just sucked on a bar of soap for a while.

Totally dubious ingredients. Totally horrendous can artwork. Reasonably unpleasant taste. Overall, it's not unpleasant, but the texture is horrific, and I find it difficult to enjoy a drink that contains sweepings from the underbrush of a rainforest and whatever the hell this clustered water codswallop may be. I believe it's witchcraft, and you're not changing my mind any time soon.

Exotic Beverage Review: Fanta Spider

For those unfamiliar, a "spider" is a combination of soft drink (soda) and ice cream, forming a kind of carbonated thickshake. I've always been really opposed to the idea, due to my belief that soda and dairy deserve to be well separated at all times. This stuff is called "choc orange", which I assume means it's meant to represent orange Fanta mixed with chocolate ice-cream, although the colour of the beverage doesn't represent that at all. Orange fanta and chocolate ice cream would produce something that looked like shit and would sell few beverages.

It's kind of apricot in colour and vaguely milky. Somehow, I was expecting it to be thicker, but it's the same consistency as every other soft drink. It's also not especially bubbly.

It tastes like Jaffas. Precisely like Jaffas. The smell of carbonation is the only thing that makes it smell like anything other than a handful of small red balls that taste like orange.

I was really hesitant to taste this stuff. Like I said above, I have some reservations about the whole "spider" concept. Anyhow, taste I did. It's...really odd. I wouldn't actually call it pleasant, to be honest. It's got a number of layers to it. I shall explain, in the order in which they hit you:

1. Weird consistancy. It kind of feels like there's a skin of ice over the surface of the drink, even though there isn't. I think this could be to do with the fact that it smells completely different to how it tastes, so as you sip it, your brain switches from smell receptors to taste receptors, or something.

2. Milk. It tastes like milk. Not specifically chocolate milk, though. Just..dairy in general.

3. Cheap chocolate. About a nanosecond after the milk flavour appears, the beverage remembers it's supposed to be chocolate flavoured and begins to produce the taste of really cheap chocolate, like those crappy lil solid chocolate Easter eggs everyone gets squillions of. It's not really pleasant, but it's definitely chocolate.

4. Orange. Hiding beneath all of this is the Fanta itself, which kind of breaks through as soon as the bubbles leave your tongue. And it's also not incredibly pleasant. I don't like this drink.

Okay, so the aftertaste has been pretty effectively nailed. If you erased my memory for the past five minutes, I could be easily convinced that I just sat down to a meal of Easter eggs and washed them down with a quart of Fanta. Usually with bizarre drinks, the taste is tolerable and the aftertaste is thoroughly unpalatable, but in this case, it's the reverse.

It's not totally unpleasant, I guess, but I just don't like it. That said, it is everything that it claims to be.

Exotic beverage review: Red Eye Classic

It's similar in colour to V. Dark yellow, lightly carbonated. As in all Red Eye drinks, once the bottle is opened, the carbonation lasts about a nanosecond.

It smells fresh, but decidedly medicinal. It's kinda fruity, but there's a strong smell of vitamin B, which is rarely a good sign.

It's quite pleasant. There's surprisingly little taste of vitamin B, and the fruitiness is strong but not completely overpowering. It tastes a bit like V, really.

After a moment, the vitamin B makes an appearance. A strong herbal aftertaste, but altogether not too unpleasant.

Strong, fruity, and actually not too bad.