Clustered Water Technology — Colonpipe

Clearly this is the most alarming blend of ingredients yet encountered. I'm particularly alarmed by the "rare earth blend" of minerals, which makes me suspect the drink contains some kind of powderised powerful magnets, and the totally bizarre "clustered water technology". The can suggests shaking gently prior to opening, which leads me to believe it's probably got some kind of horrible sediment on the bottom that will require some mixing in. Here are some of the awesome ingredients in this crap:

Eleuthorococcus Senticosus root and leaf: This is the botanical name for what we know as Siberian Ginseng, which, according to Wikipedia, cannot be called "Siberian Ginseng" in the US because it isn't the correct genus to be considered a kind of ginseng. Or something.

Aralia Manshurica: It's Russian, and it protects mice from radiation. I shit you not.

Rhaponticum Carthanoides: Animal research has apparently discovered it prevents tumours and enhances brain power. It also contains a lot of syllables.

Rhodiola Rosea: Another Russian ingredient, this one supposedly enhances memory, enhances the immune system, and is used in treating depression, nervous palpitations, erectile dysfunction and infertility in women. Also used for fatigue and insomnia (simultaneously?) as well as altitude sickness.

Schisandra: Despite sounding like an antagonist from an Anne Rice novel, this stuff is also known as Wu Wei Zi berries, and is allegedly a solution to all manner of medical conditions, including Parkinson's disease, depression, adult ADHD and asthma (when mixed with licorice). I quote a wonderful line from the previously linked document, as I'm unable to paraphrase it in a more amusing fashion: "Traditionally, this herb is used to astringe a leaky jing gate (urinary incontinence, leucorrhea, diarrhea, and spermatorrhea) and to reduce excessive sweating." Leaky. Jing. Gate. Wow.

Clustered Water Technology: The official website for Clustered Water Technology(R) appears to have gone the way of the dodo since this review was written, which is unfortunate, as it contained approximately no information whatsoever on what the hell Clustered Water Technology(R) is. This website (which may or may not still exist, but certainly doesn't want to load) contains some more information, and lots more animated .gifs and background images, which exist solely to make the internet awesome. In short, clustered water is a form of hydrogenated water with molecules that group together and become able to traverse between cell walls, decreasing dehydration. Apparently the water is treated with electromagnetic energy and becomes clustered water. I think they created a similar substance in the depths of Chernobyl.

It's pinkish, greyish red. And it's as flat as a tack; it fizzed ferociously when opened, possibly due to the gentle shaking the can insisted upon, then it settled to a totally still red beverage. It's also not transparent, it's vaguely -- and disturbingly -- milky. You cannot see through a glass of Jugular.

It smells absolutely vile. I can draw a comparison with cherry-flavoured medication, but it's not accurate enough. It smells like horribly, horribly bad cherry-flavoured candy, with a hint of aniseed and ridiculous quantities of vitamin-B.

Strangely, it's not as offensive as I would have thought. That's not to say it's pleasant, however. It tastes like cherry-flavoured candy that's been boiled into a liquid and left to ferment in the company of vitamin-B. It's actually quite sweet, but it becomes quickly apparent that the sweetness is a result of artificial sweetening, as it speedily takes on the soapy aftertaste of phenylalanine (or something similar, as said chemical is not listed in the product's ingredients). It becomes slightly more carbonated upon reaching your mouth, so perhaps it's not entirely flat as I'd originally thought. It's n enigma wrapped up in a mystery wrapped up in a can of ghastly, ghastly liquid.

I'm unsure of what taste to expect from "clustered water", as I can taste neither clusters, nor water. This would actually taste alright if it had sugar in it, I think. It suffers from artificial sweetening, and it feels wrong to drink once you've read the ingredients. I'm not able to finish a can of this.

Absolutely no flavour remains after you've sipped, but it does reek horribly of artificial sweetener, leaving you to feel like you've just sucked on a bar of soap for a while.

Totally dubious ingredients. Totally horrendous can artwork. Reasonably unpleasant taste. Overall, it's not unpleasant, but the texture is horrific, and I find it difficult to enjoy a drink that contains sweepings from the underbrush of a rainforest and whatever the hell this clustered water codswallop may be. I believe it's witchcraft, and you're not changing my mind any time soon.