Too much power: The Power Lord

Continuing a very old series of comic book back cover adverts, here's one of my favourites: He's The Power Lord. What's a Power Lord? I have no idea. I've never heard of them. I can surmise, though, based on what I see before me.

A Power Lord appears to be a man with the face of Bruce Campbell, who mutates (with considerable pain, judging by the stop-motion throes he appears to be flailing through) into a red and blue man with a Cardassian forehead and massive scratches from what I assume to be a lion. Or a tiger. Or perhaps a liger, even.

There seem to be a bunch of Power Lords. One of them is a bandy-legged dinosaur. Another appears to be the inspiration for the grunts from Halo.

In reality (or rather, after having done some research), I can tell you that the Power Lords were an action figure range (really?) from 1983, and the dude pictured above is Lord Adam Power. He carries the Power Jewel (ostensibly the rock wedged in his forehead) and a laser rifle.

The others have amazingly embarrasing names, from "Disguyzor: The Deadly Deceiver" to "Ggripptogg", who lacks a byline, but I believe if he had one, it would be "the spelling error".

Here's the Wikipedia article, so you can read up on the Power Lords, Adam, Disguyzor, Ggripptogg and my personal favourite: Drrench, from the planet Frigidor.

The '80s were awesome. You really can't make this crap up.

Follow up: jesus christ they're releasing new ones

Comic back cover ads #4 and #5

Spin Doctors. Spin Doctors. They’re a band from the ’80s. You’ve probably never heard of them. They had approximately one hit, in the form of “Two Princes”, which was essentially “Mmm-bop” by Hanson with less sucking and more synthpop. Bonus points for the use of the Bellbottom font, and the phrase “terminally funky”.

Def Leppard.

Def Leppard. Possibly the least enthusiastic band ever. Look at them. A funeral is going to break out any second, now.

Comic back cover ad #3

Pitfall II. It took some time for me to realise that this was not the image of a gigantic rectal passage. It then took some time for me to realise that despite that, I was still staring up someone’s arse.I never played Pitfall II. I don’t know what to say about it. The computer looks supremely chunky. It practically sports love handles. And the game looks very orange. That is all.

Comic back cover ad #2

Are you man enough for Megaforce? Megaforce.

Chuck Norris is. Look at him. There he stands, wearing only a belt and a calculator, not a gonad in sight. Erupting from behind him, a motorcycle with dinnerplate wheels, a decepticon DeLorean blasting whipped cheese from its windshield, a squadron of dune buggies and the entire US Air Force from the Vietnam war. Save up your dollar, you too could be the proud owner of a Megaforce patch, membership card and bike decal. You can proudly display your lack of genitalia, resting assured no one will question your nudity or calculator-laden chest because you’re a card-carrying, patch-weilding member of Megaforce. If anyone questions you, just point at your glistening bike decal and laugh in their faces. Don’t have a bike? Stick it on your DeLorean.

Comic back cover ad #1

So, there we were, walking to the railway station. In the rain. And kind of in a hurry. Almost at the corner, there’re two green environmentally friendly shopping bags, their contents covered in cling wrap with a small sign with my favourite word on it: “Free.” After spending a day in the city, we return to explore the freebies. Under the layer of moist cling wrap lay two foot-high piles of comic books, ranging from this year’s latest obscurities to some Teen Titans comics from the early ’80s. Also, some “mature aged readers” arthouse comics (read: badly inked porn) and the instruction manual for an iPod.

Atari Lynx.

Atari Lynx. It consumes food, apparently. I remember the Lynx.I remember it being gigantic, yet, at the time, beautifully designed and executed. The screen, capable of displaying approximately four crudely coloured pixels (and capable of draining approximately six AA batteries in the time it takes to turn the power on) was amazingly crisp compared to the Sega Game Gear, and the ability to rotate the device to play games vertically was awesome. Even though there were virtually no games made that exploited this gymnastic skill.This advertisement was on the back of a comic from the early ’90s. The alarming brown stains on it are probably just water marks, but I chose not to delve further into their origins. Atari made a brave choice in comparing the Lynx to the Game Boy in the advertisement, considering the original Game Boy (as displayed) was little smaller than a housebrick. Here, the Lynx galumphs over the Nintendo handheld, threatening to crush it like so many a teenage knee. In the centre, Steve Irwin attempts to outrun the Game Boy by surfing headlong into a game of mastermind. I vaguely want a Lynx, now. I’d buy one on eBay, but the postage charge for something the size of an arcade table would be phenomenal. I miss the ’90s.